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Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Lehman To Be Acquired by Tooth Fairy

via immobelienblasen

WSJ: Lehman, the Tooth Fairy and the Revenge of the Short-Sellers:


Breaking News: Lehman To Be Acquired by Tooth Fairy

The market responded with enthusiasm to reports that the Tooth Fairy has agreed to acquire Lehman. The purchase price has not yet been determined and will be set by Dick Fuld wishing upon a star, clicking his heels three times, and being transported back to that magical place where Lehman still sells for over $70 per share.

In related news, Lehman has agreed to sell all of its level III capital, including CDOs, ABSs, pet rocks, baseball cards, slightly used condoms, and credit default swaps written by MBIA and Ambac. Lehman’s level III capital will be acquired for 150% of its face value by Tinkerbell, who will carry it off to Neverland to be fed to a crocodile. Lehman is financing 90% of the acquisition at an interest rate that has not been announced; Tinkerbell’s up-front payment consists of a handful of pixie dust, three crickets, and a bullfrog. Analyst Dick Bove estimates that the bullfrog could eventually be transformed into three princes and a pumpkin coach. The deal gives Lehman no recourse to any of Tinkerbell’s assets other than the Level III capital. If Tinkerbell defaults, Lehman’s successor entity will stick its hand down the crocodile’s throat and attempt to get it to regurgitate. The firm’s historical value-at-risk analysis shows that sticking your hand down a crocodile’s throat is completely safe.

Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson issued a statement: “I am delighted that SWFs (Sovereign Wealth Fairies) continue to express confidence in the terrific values represented by American financial institutions. As I have been saying since August of 2007, this shows that the crisis is now over.”

Meanwhile, the SEC has announced an investigation of mean, evil, bad short-seller David Einhorn. While out for a beer with a friend, Einhorn reportedly suggested that the Tooth Fairy does not exist and that wishing upon a star is not a wholly reliable price discovery mechanism. Christopher Cox, chairman of the SEC, said, “Vicious rumors attacking the Tooth Fairy will not be tolerated. Our entire financial system and indeed the American way of life depend on the Tooth Fairy and wishing upon a star. How else could one value level III capital appropriately?” The SEC is reportedly planning to set up re-education camps for short-sellers.

48 comments:

Anonymous said...

Meanwhile, the Lost Boys (Bush, Cheney, Paulson, Bernanke, S. Bair, Greenspan, L. Yun, L. Kudlow, D. Kneale) are playing in Never-Neverland where you never have to grow up, tell the truth, eat vegetables, it's always a good time to buy, buy, buy, drill, drill, drill in a Goldilocks Economy.

-Mike J

Mista B said...

LOL. Classic post, Ben. Unfortunately for all of us, that's closer to being the exact truth than anything else.

Anonymous said...

I'm worried about just how funny I find this post. I really need to get out of the blogosphere. Maybe play sport or something.

Nick

Stuart said...

I echo mista b's comment. Classic and uncomfortably closer to the truth than I'd certainly like.

the media pumped Lehman for all its worth when even though KDB announced later they backed away... nope, not good enough, so we'll just ignore that factoid.. and pump away they continued. For shame. I though Pravda was totalitarian and pure propaganda. Bloomberg and CNBC, winners by a country mile.

Unscripted Thoughts said...

Stop! I just pulled a rib muscle laughing too hard.

Anonymous said...

Funny as the post is (and I must say kudos to the author), does this kind of an article determine that these institutions have nothing more left to lose? I would say, that the more frequent posts like these become, the more we are near the bottom then the middle and nowhere near the top. However, this is one of the first articles in this deragotary category .... the rest are sure to follow

Tinkerbell said...

I am the managing director of Tinkerbell, LLC.

I do appreciate your vapid attempt at journalism (cf. House Bunny), but....

We have never had any relation with Tooth Fairy, and we disclaim any responsibility for any claims he (she, it, them) have made and/or any agreements he (she, it, them) may have induced Dick Fuld to enter into.

If we were to contemplate a deal as you assert, we would have insisted that Lehman remove the Croc's clock first (so as to assure our confidential custody without any nasty tick-tock), and we never - repeat never - would add a bullfrog to the compensation.

I suggest that you at least attempt to contact us before you further degrade your reputation.

(Seriously, we do exist and we've had an hysterical call or two about this - nice touch there.)

Anonymous said...

We live in an insane world, where the truly sane are the ones in asylums.

Too funny; you really outdid yourself this time. The only thing missing was some sexual innuendo with regard to Tinkerbell, which, granted, would've been too predictable - and, alas, too crude for commentary befitting our hallowed system of "pure" capitalism. (Nevertheless, I can't possibly be the only one who thinks Tinkerbell likely has a side to her that Puritanical Disney's repressed psyche never permitted further exploration.)

Trying to make sense of nonsense is both tiresome and tiring. Just gotta keep in mind "We Apologize for the Inconvenience." If this doesn't make sense to some of you, my condolences. If it does, you've got the right perspective.

Thanks for the much needed levity!

kayxyz said...

I appreciate your blog. I can't remember how I first heard of it, maybe I read about it, but I Googled "financial ninja." Your blog is the first non-MSM information I have read, and I appreciate you being Canadian and thus you have no allegiance to the US MSM, or probably the political parties.

I've read Alan Greenspan's The Age of Turbulence and I know he absolutely dismisses labor (corporations will schedule layoffs in the fourth quarter to ensure fourth quarter results look better to shareholders). I know offshoring; he expects everyone to be registered nurses, anesthetists, x-ray techs, respiratory therapists and on and on. Of course, how people are going to support themselves and attend school full time isn't explained in his book.

I would like for someone ask Alan point blank how he expected to offshore the middle class American jobs but have American middle class mortgage payments rest increase drastically. Greenspan, the bankers, dimwit US Labor Secretary Elaine Chao, George W Bush, Ben Bernanke--I'm grateful to know these people are either that evil or that ignorant and dumb.

Anonymous said...

This story was mentioned in the buisness section of the Telegraph, today. I think it may have got a mention in yesterdays too.

Kudos to you

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